When I was little girl, my sister Molly and I used to lay in our beds at night and talk about what our future husbands would be like. We imagined we would be incredibly in love, that our husbands would be gorgeous, smart, educated, and wildly successful. We imagined that they would adore us, tell us how wonderful we were, how beautiful we were, and we would be insanely happy. We imagined the white picket fence, children, roses growing in the garden, family vacations, and pure bliss.
One of our favorite games was to play “James West and Fonzie.” It seems hilarious now, especially since Robert Conrad and Henry Winkler, the actors who played James West and Fonzie, are now old men and not the gorgeous, hunky characters they once played. But there was a time when they were the hottest things going. In our basement we had 2 black steel poles that were holding the house up. Molly and I would each take a pole and we would pretend one was James West and one was The Fonz. We would dance with the poles, talk to them, and yes, even kiss them. We were so caught up in being in love. It was all we dreamt of.
The first time I fell in love was second grade. A little boy who often wore his cub scout uniform, Michael had a round face and lots and lots of freckles. One day I was so intent on impressing him that I wanted to show him I could do the splits. In doing so, my pants ripped right up the back and my Mom had to come and get me from school!
My second crush was in the seventh grade. Jaime was a dreamboat. All of the girls were in love with him and I wanted nothing more than to be his girl. One night he called me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I excitedly said “yes” and couldn’t believe that we were officially going together. The next day at school, I was surprised when Jaime just ignored me, and in fact spent time with other girls, not me. At one point I asked him what was wrong. He looked at me with a puzzled face. Just then, I heard two other boys, Matt and Pat, giggling at me. Come to find out, they had called me and pretended they were Jaime. Jaime had not asked me to be his girlfriend. It was an elaborate prank. I was totally devastated and humiliated.
In eighth grade I had my first kiss, Tim. He was so handsome. A movie-star face and blonde wavy hair. There wasn’t much more to the relationship than that kiss. I think we may have spoken on the phone here and there but that was it. It never got serious and we ended up going to different high schools.
Brett was my ninth grade love. He was a big guy, and a pretty good football player. Me being a cheerleader, we were a cute couple. Brett was a fast guy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had already “gone all the way” by the time I was dating him. I felt important and cool with Brett. At one point both of us had a broken leg or foot and we were both on crutches. It was a sight to see us hobbling down the school halls together. Occasionally I would go over to his house where he lived with his older brother and Mom. His parents were divorced. He had a refinished basement, and we would go down there, lay on the couch, and make-out. We would listen to The Police over and over, especially the songs “Every Breath You Take” and “Wrapped Around Your Finger.” At one point he tried to get to second base and I said no. Even though every bone in my body was aching for his touch, I pushed his hand away. My parents were pretty hard core about no sex before marriage, and I thought I’d try to do what they said was right. Shortly thereafter, a new girl moved to town. She was tiny, blonde, super-cute, and her name was Courtney. Brett’s attentions seemed to shift to her. I remember feeling sad, and jealous, but also that we probably weren’t quite right for each other anyway. And there was this other guy…Ryan. He was a cross between Tom Cruise and JFK, and he dressed the part. He was very popular, especially with the fast girls. We had english together and would stare at each other, but nothing ever came of it. He ended up switching schools and I figured I’d never see him again.
In tenth grade somehow I reconnected with Brett and ended up going to homecoming with him. I was on the Queen’s Court, and he was my escort. Nothing was happening with us though, romantically. I can’t really remember why. Things just kinda faded out again. Later that year I got a phone call from Ryan. He was now going to school in another district but wanted to go out. Of course I said yes, and it was love at first sight.
Ryan and I started a love affair that would span over 15 years. We were perfect for each other. He was a star athlete in three sports, basketball, football, and baseball. I was a star cheerleader, a member of my high school’s cheerleading team which was probably the best team in the area, regularly winning competitions. I also won several individual cheerleading contests. Ryan was a superstar in every sport he played. He was always written up in the local newspaper and breaking all kinds of records. It was like a fairy tale. Going to different high schools made it that much more exciting. All of the girls that had crushes on Ryan in ninth grade were shocked to learn that he and I were dating. I don’t think they thought I deserved him, because I wasn’t part of “the popular group” of girls that dated the hot guys. I felt so proud to be dating Ryan. The only problem it did cause was that I never spent any time with any of the girls or guys from my own high school. Beyond cheering for the games, I spent every non-school waking moment that I could with Ryan. I never really had a close girlfriend in high school. I had lots of friends, and most people liked me, but I felt like a loner when I was at school without Ryan. When I walked into the lunchroom, I never had a group of friends to sit with. I was always asking uncomfortably if I could “sit with you guys to eat lunch.” I lived for the weekends when I would see Ryan. I would get all of my homework done, all of my chores around the house, do all of my laundry, clean my room, and kiss my parents butts so that they would let me go out with him on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Occasionally Ryan would drive out on Wednesday nights to spend a few minutes together. We would sit on the couch literally gazing into each other’s eyes, or even better try and sneak out to go “parking” anywhere we could find privacy. We would make out for hours and listen to the band U2. Early stuff, like “In the Name of Love.” He had this old car from the seventies that was ugly and blue. He kept it in immaculate condition though, and it had a huge back seat. I still remember having my first orgasm in the back of that car. I didn’t even know what an orgasm was, as no one had told me. I was shocked and surprised and altogether amazed by how it felt. Ryan had experience, from those girls I told you about before. And I was glad. I on the other hand had no experience. I didn’t know what oral sex was. The first time I tried I literally blew on his special place as if I was blowing out a candle. I remember him laughing and then of course teaching me how to do it the right way. None of this was disgusting or evil as I thought it would be from my Catholic upbringing. It was beautiful, and tender, and loving, and amazing. We were totally in love with each other. We would be happy just laying on the couch and snuggling for hours. I even used to smell him. He wore Drakkar Noir. Even to this day, over 30 years later, I still stop and smell the Drakkar Noir when I pass by the fragrance counter at Macy’s. All of the fond memories come flooding back.
Ryan and I spent our 3 years of high school together going to movies, playing Ms. Pac Man at PlayLand, and eating McDonald’s McChicken sandwiches. Sometimes we wouldn’t have enough money for two sandwiches so we would eat most of the first one and then put one of my hairs in the last bite. We’d take it up and complain and get another sandwich. We also loved Red Fanta soda and Mentos. Especially fun times were when our high schools played each other. It was such a rush to be cheering on one side of the field and see the man I loved playing for the other team, and usually beating the crap out of us. I was so proud! I felt like a movie star. Ryan was amazing, and what we had was amazing. Something interesting to note is that we never had sex, well, practically. Ryan was super-focused and driven with his sports. He didn’t want anything to get in his way, so he didn’t drink, do drugs, or have sex. I was fine with it too. We figured we’d be getting married anyway one day, so we could wait. It wasn’t like we weren’t having any fun…
Early on in our senior year, Ryan suddenly announced he wanted to break up. I found out through the grapevine that he was interested in another girl, Mary, a member of the dance team at his high school. I was shocked and beyond devastated, as this came out of nowhere. What’s worse was that I had been elected to the Queen’s Court again, and I not only needed a date, but an escort. I heard about Mary through the grapevine. “Cute, huge boobs, and slutty.” I was beyond sad and my life completely fell apart. And I had to find a date to homecoming. Then out of nowhere, Ryan decided to come back. I don’t know what happened, but he did. We ended up getting back together and he took me to homecoming. Things were back to normal and I was happy again, although I had lost a certain amount of faith in Ryan and in true love.
That summer, the summer of senior year, I was working at a local university’s sports school, teaching cheerleading. Ryan would come up to visit a lot, and one time, I lost my virginity. We didn’t exactly have sex, there were no “motions” when it happened, but there was contact. We still stayed strong though, knowing that one day we’d be married so we could wait. When Ryan wasn’t around, I was noticing the other men around campus. Some of the universities football players were around, and they were hot. I was definitely crushing on one in particular, but nothing ever came of it. I was surrounded by girls that didn’t hesitate when it came to hooking up, so of course they were the ones that went home with the players. I didn’t care all that much because I had Ryan, although I did start to wonder, what else is out there?
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